I would like to share a personal Word that the Lord gave me Monday night. I was deeply upset and not really sure why. Just emotional, possibly. But I was questioning love in my life. I was questioning whether I was loved, whether I loved myself. (Btw, I just finished watching a movie that dealt with this issue and no doubt triggered these emotions).

Anyway, I was crying and I couldn’t stop. I felt weak, pathetic. I wondered, how could anyone love me? I have so many problems. I’m an emotional wreck.

And God told me, “I love you.”

I became angry and lashed out at Him: “You love everyone, Lord! What’s so great about You loving me? You love murderers for goodness sake. Of course you love me. But how is that special? To be loved as one out of so many others. There is nothing unique in that love.”

He said, “Your family loves you.”

So I snarl, “Of course they do. They’re stuck with me. I’m blood.”

Then He said, “Your church family loves you. Your apostle, your first lady, your friends love you.”

“Humph! Apostle’s like you. He loves everyone. They’re all like that. They love me cause they’re supposed to. That’s Your command, after all.”

(Boy, was I feeling a little cranky or what?)

So I settled down in my bed, where my dog was knocked out from his park adventure. God said, “Your dog loves you. You are his closest friend.”

Finally, I agree. Yup, Bastian does love me. So I pick him up, and cradle and pet him. Now, normally, petting is his favorite past-time. That night? Poor boy climbs right back out of my lap, drops back onto my blankets, and resumes his Zzzzz’s. I start crying again. Bastian hates me. Completely hates me.

And in that moment, I finally realized I hated myself. I didn’t feel important to anyone. I didn’t feel needed. I didn’t feel wanted. I didn’t feel anybody loved me so why should I love me? Something must be wrong with me, hideous about me, unwanteable about me. And because of that, I hated myself.

So finally, when I was proceeding  with my intent to cry myself to sleep, God must have become fed up with my pity party. He said, “Daughter, get up and get your notebook.”

“Why?” I sob.

“I have something to say to you and I want you to write it down because I don’t want you to forget it.”

So I get up and grab my notebook. And God said, “When you are finished, I want you to tear out the paper and keep it with you. And whenever you doubt that you are loved, I want you to read it and remember how I feel. I also want you to share it, because you are not the only one who feels this way.”

This is the Word He gave me:

The Word of the Lord to His beloved,

“Think you that I do not love you? Dearest, you are my heart and soul. Whenever I gaze upon you, my soul longs after you, to comfort you and bring delight to you. Just because there are many doesn’t mean that my love for you is not special. It is special. It is unique. A very special love for a very special you.

I adore you, sweetest one. Do not ever doubt that. You are my sun and moon. When you smile, you light my heavens and I am enchanted. You are special to me. Very special. One in billions. There is no one like you.

You ask does anybody love me? Beloved, I love you. I love you so much it causes me pain. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Now you must learn to love yourself.”

Needless to say, I did not cry myself to sleep that night. I drifted off quite contentedly.